dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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