This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
