I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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