would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
