You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
