We won't sleep together?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
