I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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