god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
