I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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