And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
