sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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