There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
