dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
