Don't you send me to vm
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
time to smoke my breakfast
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
