you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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