Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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