i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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