I think I died a long time ago.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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