Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
