i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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