I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
