Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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