I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
