I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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