so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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