Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
