chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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