Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
