Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
