textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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