i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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