There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
