3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
