That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
