The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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