I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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