i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
