Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
