One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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