I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
