u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
