I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
