gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everyone says I win the strip club
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
