I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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