just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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