I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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