I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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