ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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