Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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