I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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