The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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