I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
